Coke-Talk

One of the best--and worst--things about doing copious amounts of cocaine with others, is peoples' propensity for "coke-talk." That is, jammering, incessant conversation about topics ranging from the current political climate to the rash one found on their genitals the week before. Often times, the conversations that occur when people are on coke are downright fantastic. Why, just last week, while sitting around a coffee table blowing a few lines and having a few laughs, a friend of mine convinced us that in Atlantic City, New Jersey (a town notable as much for its crack-whores as it is for its casinos), there is a store that sells nothing but human teeth. At the time, and even still now, I think this is one of the funniest things I've ever heard in my entire life. Of course, it doesn't sound as funny to you now, because you weren't there, but trust me, it had the rest of us in stitches.

Other times--most times, for that matter-coke-talk proves to border on the absurd (not that the conversation about Atlantic City wasn't, but still). Typically, when people attempt to engage in "serious" discussions while on blow, the conversation ends up being completely nonsensical and meaningless. Countless are the days where I've tried to think back to the night before and recall all the stupid things that came out of my mouth after breaking open a new bag of schmae. If I had a dime for every one of the coke conversations I've been involved in and regretted the next day, I'd have a boatload of money--which, of course, would only be temporary, because I'd inevitably use it to buy more blow. But when you're on the stuff, you think that everything that is being said is perfectly normal, reasonable, and sometimes even profound. Regular users know, however, that 90% of what is said during a session should be dismissed and ignored in its entirety, simply as "coke-talk."

Whether the conversation is actually funny or completely ludicrous, however, there is one thing that is always true about coke-talk--to an outsider--someone not blowing lines--coketalk can be downright laughable, both in terms of what is said, as well as the ways in which people say things (i.e. really quickly, with slurred speech). Not that I would know, because of course, I'm always an "insider." This is what I've been told, anyway, by non-coke users, or "squares," who have hung out in the presence of a session.

Which is why I think that "coke-talk" is perfect fodder for a television gameshow. Even the name "Coke-Talk" would be perfect as the title of the show. Here's what I envision:

Two contestants, both of whom are completely sober, or at least are not all coked-up, stand at podiums facing a set which consists of a "coke party"--3 or 4 people sitting on couches around a coffee table, blowing lines off of a plate or mirror being passed around. In between the podiums sits the host--my vote is for Vincent Schiavelli, the scary guy on the subway in the movie "Ghost" (pictured above), but I think he might be dead. Tony Orlando would be my second choice. Whoever the host is, he moderates the game by showing the "party people" on the couches a "topic" (which the contestants at the podiums cannot see). After the "party people" see the "topic," they each blow a thick godfather, and proceed to talk really quickly about said topic. Of course, because these people have been doing lines for hours before the show and are blown out of their skulls, it becomes a challenge to determine what in fuck's name they are going on and on about within the allotted time period (in the first round, 20 seconds, in the second round, 10 seconds). The first contestant to buzz in and guess correctly wins 10 points (points double in the second round). If no one guesses correctly, the game moves in. Either way, the game continues, and the party is given a new topic to discuss.

After two rounds, whoever has the most points goes on to "Final Coke-Talk," where 3 of the "party people" are each given topics to discuss independently, but at the same time, and the contestant has 30 seconds to figure out what each is talking about. Of course, this is the most challenging part of all--as if trying to figure out what a group of coked-out lunatics were collectively conversing about, imagine trying to decipher the coke-talk of three cokeheads all speaking at high speeds, all at the same time, about completely different things. If the contestant can do this, he wins the show, and takes home a brand new dishwasher.

Another idea for "Final Coke-Talk" involves having the party people smoke crack, or shoot a speedball. I don't know yet. I don't have the whole thing figured out. I have, however, lined up a sponsor who is willing to donate a free dishwasher to the winner of every game in exchange for the publicity associated with the show. This sponsor is himself a cokehead who introduced me to my main blow connection, and thinks this is a fantastic concept. I couldn't agree more, and hope that there is someone out there who is willing to produce the show, and sell it to the world, Pablo Escobar style. Any takers?