Tuesday, February 14, 2006

Coke Marketing

If I were a drug dealer (which I'm not), I would engage in a big of drug marketing. Why, you say? Drugs market themselves. There'll always be a market, and there's no reason to get silly about it. Well yes, this is technically true, to a certain extent. But at some point--at the point at which all drugs are "even"--the purveyor needs something to make his product more attractive. And that's where I come in. The drug marketer.

Holidays are the best time of year to make the most out of your drug marketing. Want a bag of blow on Valentines day? Sure, no problem. But who are you gonna get it from, the guy who sells $50 bags of cut Nicaraguan, or the guy who sells Hallmark cards lined with pink blow with those little heart shaped marshmallows in it? I think I know who you're gonna be calling.

Want some pot on Hanukah? Well, you can either buy it from the Roots and Chicken guy on a bicycle--that is, if you're a fucking four-year old--or you can buy it from my guy, who'll be dressed as Judah Macabee, selling sacks suffed into the candle holes of the Menorah, or whatever the kids are calling them nowadays. Is it really that tought a choice? Lord knows I take a free candelabra over a plastic baggie any day of the week and never look back.

Want a bag on St. Patties day? If grandpa's old cough medicine isn't doing the trick for you this day, do what I would do, and treat yourself to a ball. But once you decide to get one, then you have to ask--what kind of ball, and where from? Sure, you could get the the typical 3.5 from a thugged out gangsta in an maroon Escalade, or you could get it from my client, who'll be dressed as a lepraucan, selling his green-died bags of blow out of a fake treasure chest. If you're a bored, sorry sack like me, for the same price, why not go with the dealer who'll at least put on a show. If you were given this choice, we all know who you'd be calling, and it wouldn't be Tyrone, if you know what I mean--much to the disappoinment of Erika Badduh.

Where do I come up with this stuff, you ask? Well, what else am I supposed to do with my time but think of inane, drug related shit. After all, I am Edgar Winter. Yup, another year, and another Valentines day spent alone in my apartment, my face permanently transfixed on a plate covered in the dinner I pulled from my pocket a few hours ago, and nothing but another day at the office tomorrow. Oh well, at least I have a few more hours to kill, and a few more lines to blow before reality sets in again, and I'm forced to count the minutes until my next session.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

what about blow cut with cyanide--you could sell it during Ramadan?

9:39 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

that's fucked up dude, ha!

8:28 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Ive lost my dopeamine

10:43 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

question...does booger sugar gice you bad breath? Dude when I do blow I get the gnarliest halitosis..is it just me?
-Bad Breath Seth

2:07 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

You could make a killing marketing blow to Jews on Yom Kippur (Jews fast on Yom Kippur).

2:24 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

how do you get away with doing coke at work?

3:23 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I've always thought marketing would be a great thing. Might be a bit dangerous, but if you know your market, it should be all good!! I've been trying to find dealers...HELLO, i'm here waiting to spend money, but I can't find them out here where I am. Sucks. Where's the advertising?

3:47 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

ERYKAH BADU - learn to spell our pop icons names correctly please

12:51 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Does driving a tricked out electric blue (with sparkles) Lexus with tinted windows,Dubs, and an in dashboard tv constitute an advertisement that you are open for business? Do you have to pay protection money to park yourself out in front of Marquee in order to get all the foot traffic?

-The Guy

2:43 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I think you're putting in errors just to be annoying now.

8:56 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

this blog is getting lamer by the minute...this one was not even remotely funny

4:42 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

i think all coke dealers should sell insurance-viagra. in the event of coke dick, please break glass. i hate coke dick when i'm high and horny and need to fuck. guys please be considerate. why not fucking pop a pill and not embarass yourself and waste our time?

wasn't sure if i should post this in coke dick blog or here.

2:44 PM  

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