Tuesday, January 31, 2006

The "Coke Dick" Dilemna

For some time now, there's been no question in my mind that the negative side-effects of coke use far outweigh the "positives" that come from it. Without a doubt, the punishment of a bad, next-day "coke-over," coupled with the rampant depression and sinus destruction that necessarily follows a night of heavy "partying," in theory, don't make a few hours of coke-induced euphoria/paranoia even close to being "worth it." That said, the burden of such side effects hasn't really slowed my use down in nearly 10 years, so there must be something else, something intangible that keeps me coming back, time and time again, no matter the effect upon my physical well being or my mental sanity.

And no, it's not the fact that cocaine is "addictive." At least I don't think, anyway, but what the hell do I know--I'm 29 years old, and have managed to deplete my septum to the point at which I can probably almost poke a hole right through it with my pinkey finger. Stevie Nicks didn't even get to that point until she was in her mid-forties, and she was really a rock star, whereas I only have ideations of being one, having been permanently stifled by my lack of musical acumen/balding head.

One side-effect Ms. Nicks never had to deal with--at least first hand--which may explain why she continued to use blow for so many years, is "Coke Dick"--that is, the phenomenon of not being able to achieve or maintain an erection/and or orgasm while under the influence of the sauce. And for the longest time, I didn't really suffer from coke-dick either. Sure, on the occassional night where I was blown out of my skull high, of course I couldn't get it up, but then, on those nights, I could barely stand or even talk, and under such circumstances, "certain sexual side effects" were more than understandable. For a while I basked in the glory of not suffering from coke dick--while friends would use and then not be able to perform, I was a stallion in the sack, able to go for consecutive minutes at a time, rather than my traditional "sober seconds" display. There were even nights where I would bump a few lines just to ensure that I would perform well. And man oh man, did I perform--or at least the women faked really really well.

Recently, however, my ability to perform under "pressure" has seemed to elude me. In the last few months, I've found myself in a few situations where, because of blow, it just "hasn't happened." In each of these situations, of course, like countless cowardly men before me, I've pleaded with the women to believe that it's never happened to me before. Look away, I'm hideous, I'll say, in a half-joking, half-serious attempt to avert attention away from the embarrassment of it all. And even though the girl will usually tell me it's not a problem, deep down, I know what they're really thinking, and there's no situation more emasculating than failed sexual performance--save for being caught with your pants down in a barn full of roosters and pigs. But that's a story for another day.

Of course, the catch-22 of it all is that once you do coke, you're horny as hell, and all you can think about is sex. Yet at the same time, it becomes virtually impossible to engage in the act. To reconcile the embarrassment that inevitably follows "coke performance woes" with the coke-user's insatiable desire to "get off," lately I've just taken to coming home after a night of carousing, to attempt to "whack it." And like clockwork, this leads to even more problems--problems of the type that someday, I believe, might cause me to quit coke for good.

It may come as no surprise to you that blow is not my only vice. Indeed, as a person with very limited self-control and a severly addictive personality, I am an "enthusiastic" masturbator as well, to put it lightly. Recently, however, it seems that my "coke dick" problem has impeded upon my ability to masturbate regularly. You see, when I'm on coke and attempt to "jerk the jerk," it takes a herculean effort to get it up, much less to get anything out of it. Most of the time, it takes close to an hour, by the end of which my arm is so tired and my guy is so raw and numb, the effort wasn't even worth it at all. But worst of all--and I warn you, this is gonna get a little gross--often times I'll wake up the next day with abrasions on my unit, from wanking so hard the night before. That's right, actual cuts, right there on the ol' penis. Like any normal cut, these too take time to heal, and if the healing process is impeded--say, by wanking again before the wound shuts itself--it'll only make things worse. Yet because I'm a chronic masturbator, its hard for me refrain from floggin the ol' dolphin for a few days after a heated zapper. And if in the days that follow, I find myself in the arms of a lady, it can be quite embarrassing attempting to explain my penile abrasions, which I promise, are not any sort of disease, but rather are merely the side-effect of violent, coke spanking. And from experience, I've learned the hard way, no pun intended, that the "my dog bit me" excuse doesn't play out well when it comes to discriminating women--although "crackheads" usually don't seem to notice.

Friends, I don't know how I can reconcile my need to do blow with my need to chronically masturbate in the hours and days that follow a good, old fashioned coke binge. And given my propensity for masturbation, which I took to long before I developed my cocaine tongue, I'm not sure if I can keep up my coke habit if I continue to thrash upon my "little guy" after every time I get involved. If anyone has any suggestions as to how I can deal with this dilemna, I would very much appreciate hearing from you. Thanks for listening.



Anonymous Mr.ific said...

Heey Buuuddy,

Come on now, a soldier like yourself should know there's always better living through chemistry. Half a Viagra will do the trick. It WILL give you heart palpitations on par with taking a bong rip after a healthy night on the yizzer, but if you can manage that you will not be disappointed. A Cialis taken on Friday, at say 7:00pm, aka 15 minutes before the arrival of Le Homme, will have you rockin' on-demand for 36 hours. I live in LA, where the talent level is All-Madden, so it would be catastrophic to pass up an opportunity with some quality random ass. Bottom line, Cialis is the best, but the blue V is the only solution on short order.

I'm loving your NY perspective Mr. Winter, but to add a little west coast flavor... Due to the expansive geography of LA, 95% of the time we are forced to rendezvous with El Hombre on his turf. It's pretty much a given that most of these Dudes score in the 99th percentile on the unintentional comedy scale. My theory is that 48 cokehead interactions per day (3 per hour, 11:00am-3:00am, not counting reloads), combined with the lack of need to ever leave the couch, lends to an Emperor's New Clothes situation. For example, Der Man, is a full-blown cowboy, rocking a head-to-toe Marlboro Man look, yet he slangs in a hipster beach town. If he had to go outside, every eyeball would be trained on his giant belt buckle and Stetson.

P.S. - Vegas Phil is the best way to go in Vegas. Larry and Sergey will lead you right to him. Besides having what everyone on this site is looking for, he has the insane women. For the "hot lesbian action" we desired for my buddy's bachelor party, he provided ladies who had done a show for Mini-Me the night before and one had credits with JJ. Every Whoore in Vegas on the weekend is from LA, so you can't go wrong. The Vegas Phil airport pick up is essential, trust me.

P.P.S. To everyone asking themselves, "is this guy yo'd out of his mind?" The answer is, yes. Come on, there's no way I couldn't be gacked to the 9's and ask AND answer my own egotastic question. Not to mention the 23 commas and totally uncalled for use of three foreign interpretations of "the guy," and a Madden reference.

Retard, out.

12:31 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Get some healing ointment for the shlong.

7:03 AM  
Blogger KaKe said...

I love your writing.

7:52 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

try viagra when your with a lady

7:59 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Yeah, use some neosporin on the cuts and mastrubate with some astroglide after things have healed so you don't indian burn yourself. Eventually, if you want a healthy sex life, you may have to lay off the white lady. I'm a doctor...don't use viagra with coke.

2:01 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

If you think jerking off is difficult after hoovering some nose candy, you should try doing it with another guy. Its like trying to get a dog in the bath tub.

2:50 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

use KY jelly to avoid the cutting/sores. Best of luck and always a joy to read your blog.

4:57 PM  
Blogger dw070 said...

just say whoops sorry! and then proceed to have her sit on your face and eat the living minge out of her

7:56 AM  
Anonymous Razor-Rail said...

xanax. 20 minutes before you pull the ripcord. You'll dream of sex rather than attempt it. Of course you know this, you just have to make the effort and hunt it down.

12:48 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Coke dick? Oh yes. One of the first times I experienced it was unhappily also the one (and only) time my girlfriend brought home a friend for us to play with.

It could've been a real Penthouse Forum moment, and certain images still play happily in my mind, but it was still kinda embarrassing just sitting there trying unsuccessfully to tug the poor fella into life... :(

8:20 AM  
Anonymous Davey Allday said...

Razor Rail, and others, please take care when mixing xanax and coke. A friend of mine died in his sleep after taking some xanax to take the edge off the coke come-down.

8:06 AM  
Anonymous Alcohol Rehab said...

Chemical dependency is a devastating disease that affects millions of individuals and families. Find the right addiction program for yourself or a loved. It will be the first day of the rest of their or your life.

You can get more assistance at http://www.druginterventions.net .

9:47 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Wow, that was pretty hot, do you think he might end up on Randy Blue some time?

11:29 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Just left my bf for this. Tired of his coke addiction, the health problems he has now from it, the mental bullshit he puts me thru, and oh, yeah, the coke dick. Oh, he's a pure erotic genius after bumping up and starting to text message me for some hot cellular sex-but in the flesh, live in person and amped to the nines-I might as well be having sex with a female, because all he's able to do is eat me out. All this-and he's under 40. I would think "Hey I need Viagra to have sex cuz of coke" would be a big red flag that there's a problem. Like a Greek tragedy-oh so horny and oh so impotent. Not to be shallow or anything-I stuck by this guy as he lost EVERYTHING in his life-homes, BMW's, etc......but enough is enough. I'm tired of him screwing me-I wanted him to fuck me. I'm out of it. I gave him one word-rehab-look into it. Sorry but I'm no enabler co-dependant crazy chick....love doesn't get people clean, but hopefully, a limp dick will help you look at how pathetic it all really is.

11:14 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

when my dick needs to cum, it doesn't matter if I am on cocaine or rock hard.
I would not do this with a female but I can cum with a flaccid dick.
It isn't the same feeling that you feel when you are jerking your erection but the climax is just as powerful.

3:34 PM  
Blogger Unknown said...

Iv had the same sort of experance altho mine was with a guy n 2 girl, so a 4sum not a 3sum. I achieved an 'boner' while the two lasses had play with each other but when it came to me and one of the 'not so' lucky ladys having it off i went limp she tried every consevable way of helping be it oral a finger up the arse even licking the other lasses pussy while my mate hit her back door and yet no joy, i still joined i obvisly givin oral to both lasses making them both cum very hard but i didnt blow my load umfortunatly (side question, can i still count this as a 4sum?)

10:08 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Edgar, you have summed up what is the only downside, short term at least, of having a cocaine addiction. The need to jerk off! Good luck with your travels lad ��

11:01 AM  
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7:57 PM  
Anonymous Jaques Haas said...

I really like your writing, but please consider using far less quotes. In fact in the piece above you shouldn't use any. I'm not sure what you're trying to signify with them, I guess its slang, but its super distracting. Not bringing it up to be a dick, only doing so because you're a slammin writer otherwise, and its a fatal flaw currently.

2:03 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Aloha from Hawaii...land of money folded palm trees :)

Mr.ific said - u r a genius, right a book or point to the sewage where you dump you writing , I will dig through it meticulously.

& Edgar...I feel you brother...4 hrs and some minor abrasions later absolutely no chance of the volcanic eruption here.

I will go do some yoga and stare at talents instead I guess :)

9:09 AM  

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