Monday, February 06, 2006

My Left Nostril

When it comes to snorting drugs, some people are "anbi-nostrilous." In other words, they can and do use both nostrils for sniffing product, and often alternate from one to the other during respective bouts. I, on the other hand, had historically been a "single nostril" guy. Because the left side of my nose is 90% blocked by a deviated septum that resulted from my falling flat on my face as a kid, I always knew that it would be difficult to use this damaged passageway for recreational purposes. As such, I always took my drugs up the right side.

10 years later, things finally caught up to me. Snorting drugs up the ol' sinus passageways is not, how you say, an "intended" usage for the olfactory cavity, if you know what I mean. So after many years of constant and rigorous abuse, I started experiencing debilitating side-effects. It started with bloody noses. At first they would come during or soon after a heated session. As time went by, however, they started happening more often--during the day, at work, long after my last go at the sauce. Then came the large chunks of green snot that I would blow out while using but didn't think too much of because they resembled actual, normal snot. Not long after that came the infamous morning snots, which for so long I worried were actual, material chunks of brain tissue but later realized were merely chunks of shed sinus lining. And then, of course, there were the regular sinus infections, which could be a subject for an entirely separate post, but are so uncomfortable and irritating that I dont' want to even think about them, much less write about them.

More recently, I started to notice something else. Back in the day, the nasal side effects of usage seemed to last only for a day or two. Within 48 hours, I would be fully recovered and breathing normally again. Lately, however, I've noticed that the time it takes my head to recover has significantly increased. Nowadays it isn't abnormal to be blowing my nose like a madman 4 days after a prolonged weekend session, trying to loosen up some deep, hard to reach nose rocks that are causing a tickle in the back of my throat. More than that, lately I've felt that my right nostril has been permanently clogged up, and is quite sore and pained. Under normal circumstances I would go to my ENT to have him check it out, but I know exactly what he'll say ("You're an idiot, stop using drugs") and I don't need to be judged like that right now. After all, it's been a while since I've gotten laid.

As such, I've been forced to adopt an alterate strategy to cope with the damage that I've caused to my right nostril. A few weeks ago I mentioned my problems on the site and received suggestions from readers as to "alternative methods" for imbibing the sauce which ranged from the inocuous ("dissolve the powder in a drink") to the disturbing ("mix it in tequila and squirt it up your ass with a turkey baster"). But since my turkey baster is dirty in the sink, and god knows I don't do dishes, I've decided to eschew all such suggestions, and go a different route. No, I haven't opted to stop altogether--which would probably be the smartest thing to do given the damage I've caused to myself. No, instead I've decided it's time to start using my left nostril.

Now, using my left nostril is bound to cause significant problems. Because it is 90% blocked by bone, I expected that 90% of the sauce I attempt to snort up it would just fall right back out--a theory I proved correct this past weekend. This is a problem both in terms of coke and time management. Dealing with the former is easy--I just make sure I lean over a plate or table or something, and whatever falls out can just be lined up again and prepared for re-inhalation. The latter, however, remains a pickle for which I do not yet have a solution, except for maybe starting earlier, or going faster. I don't know. I really have to give this one some more thought.

Ultimately, I look at my situation as a "rebirth" of sorts, and one with no real immediate downside. Sure, I'll have to start getting used to using the other side of my face, but at least I know that my left nostril can handle it, as it remains a "virgin passageway." Also, perhaps the drugs I sort will "burn away" the bone that is blocking my left nostril and has restricted my ability to breathe out of that side for so long, alleviating my need to eventually get the deviated septum surgically repaired. Most importantly, however, if my left is anything like my right nostril, I've got about 1o good years (until 2016) of usability to get out of it before any significant problems start to arise. And by then, I'm willing to bet that the human race is so advanced that I won't even need my nose anymore. So the way I see it, it's a win-win situation.

Lets hope I'm right.


Blogger GENE said...

just smoke it

9:07 AM  
Blogger stinkstank said...

I was gonna say smoke it too, or use the drink method. That works pretty much the same, if done on an empty stomach at least with stuff I've tried. Plus it's yummy if you pick a good drink, and easy to hide! Win-win!

Do you smoke cigarettes? Cuz if not you probably have the lung capacity to really inhale good and snort that shit more quickly with a little practice! I also have a deviated septum, but it can be done.

3:31 PM  
Blogger Mirtha Jung said...

I'm a hand-righty, but a nose-lefty.
Btw, if you put a humidifier in your bedroom your nose won't hurt as bad the next day.

9:21 PM  
Blogger I'm The Girl You Met Last Night said...

It's all about Afrin. It's addictive, but it works, and it's kind of appropriate in a poetic way to be addicted to 2 inhalable substances.
(& cleaning your nostrils out with a q-tip soaked in water and saline works wonders.)

& once you get the hang of the left nostril it's like riding a bike.

11:12 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I was always right nostril until I got a nose ring then I went left nostril. The nose ring got infected and I had to take it out, but my left nostril habit remains.

My friend and I were in the pharmacy trying to find some sort of nose spray to fix up our coke noses. We were both carefully studying the backs of the boxes of various remedies to see which ones were non-addictive.

That's right - we were looking for a 'non-addictive' rememdy to help our COCAINE PROBLEM. Talk about irony.

12:41 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

you have serious problems.

2:51 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

you'll be dead by 2016. This is a funny blog, but it is also a VERY thinly veiled cry for help. I know what its like to be on the stuff, and let me tell you. You only miss it for about a week when you are done. Just try sober for a week and you won't go back.

9:30 AM  
Anonymous the omnibombulator said...

i myself have endured a similar quandry related to nostril abuse,and in your case solution was to heave a fast food straw up my back-passage and position it above a line of your chosen narcotic,then induce severe vomiting.the resultibg vacuum will draw the fine powder to your awaiting anal capillaries.(nature abhors a vacuum,hey folks!)jobs a goodun!
p.s.this method has been noted to take the shine off the odd dinner party.

10:39 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Why not administer it per rectum? There is a long history of this method, it hits the bloodstream fast, and any unwelcome emissions will disappear with the rest of your faecal output. Win-win!

11:35 AM  
Anonymous rob said...

Fuck's sake, just shoot it up. Or move to crack of course.

3:05 PM  
Anonymous snowstorm said...

you could always get a nose job to remove the bone tissue from your left nostril. I suggest you look up video clips of that being done when you're high. they give you an anaesthesia and get you some sleep, then put a chisel up your nostril and hammer away...

6:49 AM  
Anonymous Will said...

I snorted my soft palate off many years ago. After I got over the initial feelings of horror it simply became irritating as I was unable to smoke unless I held my nose.

Gre back though, so no lasting damage done.

2:55 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I agree with comment on Afrin and saline solution. Except I dont use the q-tip method. Get some heavy salt (like the sea salt kind, not the table salt), dissolve it in warm water. Use one of those rubber bulbs that when you squeeze it and put it in the water it sucks the water up. Then shoot the saline/water solution into your nose. Some will go in your throat and it may burn a little but it goes away. Do that as much as you can stand. After that you will be able to blow everything out your nose. Works best in the shower. Disgusting I know, but it cuts recovery by a couple of days for me.

11:06 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I can't work out whether this post is a joke or whether you actually are a moron?

1:48 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

It has been two days since my right and left nostrils are literally fucked!! i can not breathe at all.. i've got to use my mouth in order to breathe! .. how annoying is that??.. uhhh!.. it's soo not worth the pain!

3:06 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...


5:50 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Have you been tested for hepatitis? You know, sharing coke straws is a common way of contracting a potentially deadly infection.

2:53 PM  
Anonymous enregalia said...

the afrin is the right advice, but not in the traditional sense.

empty the afrin bottle out, fill it with product and water and administer in a nice mist that also has huge advantages about being able to do in public...there is no other advice unless you're basing or mainlining

"nostrilla" is the best applicator nozzle

10:28 AM  
Blogger Foreign Canadian Bastard said...

I would not consider myself that heavy a user yet. I have been using just over a year and already notice that it takes my nostrils four days to recover. Also, at the get go I would use both my nostrils. For me it made sense. Reduction of collateral damage. Two months ago, and maybe it was just dry heaters or something unrelated, I did a line out of my left nostril and my nose started bleeding and I got light headed. Not much flow, the blood hardly left the nose - but it was dark, dark red and it scared the crap outa me causing me, for the last two months, to only use my right nostril. Can you think of any reason why I should avoid trying to use both my nostrils again, given this most recent experience? Do you even know what the cause of that may have been? I haven't touch anything for days and my nose is sore, blocked up, runny and my sinuses, despite the fact I have only used cocaine for 11 months, not even very consistently until more recently. And hat is the deal with Manhattan cocaine - its seems to be getting shittier and shittier by the day. Maybe its just cut with so much questionable crap now days that its all the miscellaneous extras that are completely screwing my nostrils and sinuses up.

10:07 AM  
Blogger Web said...

When does it become a problem ? I don't go to partys often or Vegas or anywhere pretty much outside the house besides work and regular daily bs. But I enjoy doing it at partys and Vegas etc. Always afraid of OD so my tiny lines pale in comparison to advanced users maybe that's I always complain the stuff is cheap and it burns,, anyways any advice?

1:46 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Its 2016 you still alive mate

3:58 PM  
Blogger Unknown said...

Then shut up and get off. If you'vebeen there help with words of engagement. Answer the question give your fucked up opinion to someone who cares. I do over a gram a day have been for 4 years and I'm fine. Now you put a time clock on your life.

12:01 PM  

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