Thursday, February 09, 2006

Captain C-Beard

Are you a guy (or a girl with a really hairy upper lip)? Do you do blow? If so, you've no doubt been grazed by the sword of Captain C-Beard.

Ever notice how, the day after a big coke binge, your beard is much longer than it normally would be otherwise? That's because you've been touched by Captain C-Beard. You see, Captain C-Beard is the "Pirate of Cocaine." He is the wood-legged scallywag responsible for your inexplicable, mutant-like beard growth. Somehow, after a night of "partying," your beard seems to grow by expontential amounts. I could try to tell you the "half life" of your beard, but I'm not Captain C-Beard, so I won't even try. Needless to say, for reasons scientists can't explain (likely because they're unaware of the phenomenon), cocaine makes 5:00 shadow turn into 3:00 am shadow, if you know what I mean.

Next time you're on blow, rent a sailboat and head out on the high seas with a few friends. If you're lucky--i.e. if you've done enough blow--Captain C-Beard, that famous Coke Pirate, will no doubt find you, and if you're lucky--which I've never been, because I'm not much of a sailor--will let you share in his "pirate's booty"--a large, uncut sack of the finest Columbian white known to North America since the days of Louis XVI, in France, where men would slap each other with their gloves, and say "Dartagnan, how dare you cross me."

And the next day, even if you shaved hours beforehand, you're beard will be 4 days old. That is the power, nee, the vision, of Captain C-Beard. But if you meet him, don't tell him you know me. I owe him $50, and that dude never welches on a debt.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

6:52 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

i laughed

8:23 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

With a big snow storm headed our way (the real snow), are you calling the guy now to make sure you have enough coke to run the slalom this weekend?
-You don't say!

9:13 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Shiver me timbers, maytee, I am Captain C beard!

9:36 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

"your beard"
and "power, NAY, the vision"
can I be your editor? can you pay me in marching powder?

10:42 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

My eyebrows are always growing the next day. what do you call that? I am girl and obviously grrom my brows, but I notice they grow faster after coke. advice?

10:58 AM  
Blogger Mirtha Jung said...

I'm on the w. coast, where the residual super power is the ability to tan 4x faster. After a long nite of cha-cha it is fun to lay by the pool and "turbo tan" while you sleep it off.

12:22 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

This would explain ZZ Top.

4:29 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

hey you stole that line out of Waiting for's a good line, but come on dude you gotta come up with your own shit!!!

2:27 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

You are a greatness.
Pleae don't disappear now that I've found you loved you.

4:43 PM  

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