Monday, March 06, 2006

The Sunday Session

I may indeed be a crackhead, but I’m a crackhead who manages to hold down a steady 9 to 5 (and on Tuesdays, 10 to 6). Of course, said management is out of necessity, but that’s not the point. And sure, my job is a dead-end, and it couldn’t be farther from what, as a kid, I dreamt I would do “when I grew up” (islamic carpenter), but it’s a job still, and one that I need--to pay the bills and support my various epicurean habits. You know me, I’m just trying to eat, and it’s damn expensive to pull your dinner from your pocket every night in this here city.

Basically, I’m like any other working stiff who wakes up in the morning, puts his pants on one leg at a time, and spends his days sitting behind a desk pushing paper—except that when I get home at night, instead of eating dinner with the family and watching American Idol, I embark on an ongoing vigilante crusade to obliterate my septum, AND write a wildly, if not ironically popular blog detailing said obliteration. But like the rest of the working class, I too have to be at my desk early in the morning. Which is why the “Sunday Night Session” is such an awful idea.

Of course, I learned this the hard way a few years back—when, at the end of a three day bender I had “somehow” lost track of time and showed up at work that Monday about 5 hours late, unshaven, eyes glazed over, snot running down my face. Not only was I docked an entire day’s pay, but given my track record of mediocre performance at my mindless job—a performance which was no doubt informed by my extra-curricular proclivities—I was put on permanent “probation,” and told that “if I ever pulled a stunt like this again,” they would “sack me on the spot.” Sort of sounded like how my father used to lambast me in my youth for pulling various idiotic stunts, actually, if you replace the “sack me on the spot” part with “send me out back to pick a switch.” My pops really loved that Jackson family movie.

Had I been late on a Tuesday or Wednesday morning, it likely wouldn’t have been nearly as big a deal. In fact, I’m often later other days of the week (yes, usually for "party" related reasons), and no one really seems to give a hoot. Unfortunately for me and my job, Monday morning is BY FAR the most important morning of the week, and if I’m not on by 8:50, there’ll be hell to pay. That being so, one would think that I would refrain from “partying” on Sunday nights. And for the most part, I do. But every once in a while, a Sunday comes around, and afternoon drinking turns into evening rail blowing, and the next thing I know, it’s 5 am and I’m wide awake in front of my computer reading about the differences between needle-point and sacheting, and I have to be at work in less than 3 hours. Last night was such a night.

So at 5 am, the glare of my computer screen screaming at my brain to shut itself down, I decided that I would close my eyes for 2 hours, get up, get ready, drink an entire pot of coffee, and go into work. On only 2 hours of sleep, I was still convinced that I could make it through the day. And I’m still convinced that I could’ve. That is, if I had made it to my desk on time. Closing my eyes for “2 hours” proved to be an awful idea, I realized, as I glanced at an alarm clock that was telling me it was 9:45 am. Somehow I managed to fly out of bed, shower, shave, and get to my desk by 10:40, but by that point, my absence had been noticed by the entire department, much less my boss, and I knew that the excrement would no doubt be hitting the air conditioning in short order.

Long story made short—my boss completely chewed me out in front of the whole floor and sent me home, telling me not to return until Wednesday. At the very least, I’ll be docked 2 days pay and my boss’ll give me 2 smacks across the mouth because he likes me. At worst, I’ll be given the shitcan, will lose my insurance and benefits, and’ll have to go out and find a new job. Boss was undecided as of this morning, and my having offered to "toss his salad" probably won't bode miller well in his favor.

In all likelihood, I'll have to go out and get a new job. Not that it’ll be that hard for a coke addicted college graduate to find a dead-end, entry level position, but I’m fucking lazy and really, really don’t want to go through the effort. So hear is my plea to you, the reader: if I do lose my job, and I really, really hope I don’t--because I get paid much more than I deserve for doing jack shit all day—but if I do, can you please hire me? I am qualified for the following positions:

-Oatmeal maker: I make a mean outmeal. The secret is adding just the right amount of honey;

-Swedish au pair: I’m not Swedish, but hey, who’s counting?;

-Customer Service Representative: Hah! Just kidding. Believe me, you don’t want ME dealing with your customers;

-Trip-tick maker at AAA: I’ve always wanted to make those trip-tik thingies that you can get at AAA before you go on a long drive. I think I’d be very good at that;

-Participant in experiments concerning effect of blow on sex: I like sex at least as much as I like blow. As such, I’d make a perfect participant in such a study, should one actually exist, which I doubt does now that I think about it, because the effect of blow on sex is not really in question;

-Box-maker: Seriously, I can put together cardboard boxes faster than that dude Paco in shipping, and he’s fucking illegal for christ’s sake!


So if you know of any positions in which my above mentioned skills could be put to good use, please let me know. After all, it’s the least you can do to pay me back for taking away from my precious coke time to document my ever-spiraling demise on this here blog. The most you could do for me, incidentally, would be to give me money directly, and if you're willing to do so, email me and I'll have a conduit meet you in Tompkins Square on Thursday afternoon. Actually, now that I think about it, the most you could do for me would be to just give me a bag, because god knows if you give me $$, I'll just use it to go out and buy one. Might as well cut out the middle man, right? Simple economics. Whatever.

32 Comments:

Blogger winterstill said...

You really can't lose your job. It's vital to ME that you stay employed. You see, I use you as justification for doing blow as opposed to other recreational activities.

Well, not so much you specifically as people like you. "...people that do coke are often highly-effective individuals...maintaining jobs and some semblance of a normal life"

Thus, if you lose your job my argument (at least in my mind) will lose considerable credit.

2:55 PM  
Blogger winterstill said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

2:55 PM  
Anonymous college cokehead said...

good luck... my entire dorm (aka all fans of the same stuff) is rooting for you.

8:59 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Edgar, why don't you put ads up on this blog? And a paypal tip jar, while you're at it. It's not going to replace your job income, but it might help, and I doubt your fans will begrudge you the opportunity to make some cash on your writing.

7:08 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

In order to put ads up on a site, you have to sign up and use your real name. The reason Edgar doesn't put ads up on the site is obvious--because he can't. The minute he does that is the minute his real identity is connected with the site, stupid. Why would he do that? A few measly dollars isn't worth the risk of exposing himself.

7:36 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

This is when reality comes crashing down.

This was inevetible. I read your blog and USED to "pull dinner from my pocket". I hope you do lose your job, because it will be the best thing that ever happened to you, and a lot of other people who read this. You have given the impression that it is okay to be an addict and funny. People who read this feel that they can do the same and get along. Unfortunatley, the walls come crashing down. Why would I hire you when I can hire somone who shows up on time. Your boss is not being a jerk, he has people to report to also.

STOP FUCKING AROUND AND CLEAN UP!

This site is funny, interesting etc. But it's not the cocaine, it's you. You are a talented writer. You could just as easily write about your recovery and the funny things that you have to go through. I hope that you clean up and stop being selfish. Yes Selfish.

7:55 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

2 words my friend, ONLINE POKER! If you have no gambling experience read a few books and you will be good to go. Trust me when I say it fits beautifully with your chosen lifestyle. Chalk up a belushi, crank up some tunes, and play away!

8:39 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Your anagrams are showing, Dr. Lecter.

2:06 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hilarious and all too familiar...I suffered through Monday morning myself this week, I didn't show up late but because I gave in to the temptation of the Sunday Session I nearly blew my head off at work - I say never again but I know I'll probably do it again! LOL Damn that devils dandruff...

3:02 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

OK, this has stopped being ironic fun and now I'm getting a little worried about you.

You're an amazing writer and if you pursued the correct course of action you'd be able to make a living at it.

And just so you know this isn't coming from some square, I am a freelance writer and avid former cocaine user.

11:46 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Or is it former avid cocaine user?

Anyway, you know what I mean.

Good luck gorgeous.

11:48 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Ah, Edgar, it gets hard doesn't it? I was sent home from work last Friday, after a long Thursday night/morning of blasting lines of some really wacky cocaine. 5am rolled around and I realized I was due at work in 3 hours. Five sleeping pills later I was wide awake, staring at the ceiling as my alarm went off. I sucked down a cup of a coffee and a RedBull and went into work looking like a wreck.

Then, came the hallucinations from sleep-deprivation. Then, my heartrate wouldn't slow down. Then, I passed out.

BUT I DIDN'T GET FIRED! Now everyone just thinks I have an eating disorder. Works for me! Don't be discouraged by haters, Edgar. You can keep this shit up.

11:16 AM  
Anonymous Mr Sniff Safe said...

Okay, I've posted a similar comment before, but I feel compelled to say it again to the anonymous poster above me, and to anyone else who's reading: sleeping pills and the like mixed with blow can be a bad combo. (A friend of mine, more like an acquaintance really, died in his sleep after taking some xanax to ease the come-down from a night of blasting lines.)

Don't get me wrong, I love to toot a nice bit of toot, and I love to swallow a nice downer. It's just not a good idea to mix the two.

And I know it sometimes seems important to rush to sleep for whatever reason, but fuck it. Drink some tea instead, relax, and then call in sick from work, or flake on whatever it was you had to do. It's much healthier to fall asleep "naturally" when the coke works its way out of your system than it is to pass out from the effects of a counteracting drug.

1:10 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I had a summer job at the NY branch of the AAA - making trip-ticks, back in 1991 through 1992 or thereabouts. It was one room in the building, full of desks with people highlighting, stamping, binding the little booklets. Half of the people in the room were old-timers that had worked there for decades. Appropriately, they looked like extras from Barney Miller. I got in trouble because I couldn't find the city of Oswego, so I just picked a town in the county of Oswego and trip-ticked people to there instead.

3:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm 27 and have never done coke and with every passing day I'm really glad I haven't.

It's not even cool or edgy. Every dumbass in the city does it now; just really pathetic.

Have you heard the phrase "hitting bottom"? Of course you have. Here's to your impending downward spiral and that it straightens your sorry ass out. Unless it kills you first.

3:05 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

It wasn't funny in the 80s and it's not funny now.

3:20 PM  
Anonymous kowgurl said...

You are my hero. You are the greatest thing since sliced wheels. Please don't listen to the gasbags who moralize. You rock.Keep on doing what you do.

3:33 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

uhhh...try crack....it much easier to come down off of....and....its only crack
that, or bubbles

4:11 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Don't be discouraged. A whole group of us worked together a few years ago and went out for all nighters on a regular basis. 1) group cocaine use encourages team bonding. 2) you'd be amazed how much you can accomplish in the office when you go nuts on some stupid idiot (that didn't join the rest of the team) in a coke-fueled, sleep deprivation rage.

BTW, I think I'm in love with you. Send me a sign that you're interested.

4:11 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Im gonna suggest something that will surely send me to hell. I need a moment ... O.K. . Call yer boss- tell him you have a problem, tell him the truth, or tell him you have some other issue. It has to be serious you can't say "Im a fuck up cause I'm in love with a whore with a heart of gold". But "open up to him" promise it will never happen again, that you are getting help. That should cover you until you inevitably fail in your valiant effort to keep this fucked life style up. The best of luck to you.

4:21 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

surprisingly boring for a cokehead...
oh wait, i forgot, druggies all become boring sooner or later...look at pete doherty

4:58 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Buddy, you need a job like mine....I make sure I make to my job by the crack (no pun inteneded) of 4...PM!

Best of luck to you!

6:29 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

as much as i want to applaud you (i too have had my share of similar indiescretions), its actually just kinda sad.

especially since you spent your coked-up hours... surfing the net!? that is so lame! your use of the word "party" obviously refers to your drug use, period.

10:03 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

As an ex-cokehead freelancer (seems i'm not the only one) I found that my imagination became stifled over prolonged use of white stuff to the dome.

After a while it was two packs a day to keep me from somehow metaphorising the glorious liberation of feeding my fix, in an article about outsourcing done by German corporations. Believe me, you start smelling a compost of smoked tuna and you'll stink like one too.

11:07 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

cocaine-corner, you are my hero.

love,

acid-booth.

1:31 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Good luck, my friend. I've definitely been where you are right now. It was definitely fun and intense and wild but at some point it got scary and I had to clean up. You may never end up in the same place I did, not everyone does. But if you do decide you want to stop and need some help NYC is the best place for recovery on the planet.

Best,

anonymous

8:30 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

You remind me of me. Now I'm in the program. See ya soon at Perry, my friend...

12:27 PM  
Blogger dw070 said...

i hate everyone who hates on Pete Doherty, when Sarah Lyall wrote that NYT article about him i totes just wanted to fucking slap her and tell her she was a failed abortion

6:29 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

You control the coke - DON'T let the coke control you! Mind over matter...it's not really that complicated! Nobody wants to stop eating the choclate cake after one or two pieces either do they? But they DO... ;)

4:10 PM  
Anonymous Razor-Rail said...

Some of these people leaving comments are completely out of touch. It's so bizarre. Do they think that admonishment will shame a user into recovery?

Fine your own way. F*ck these people who leave nasty comments under the cloak of Internet anonymonity.

If recovery is an answer, you should find it for youself. Everyone else should shut it.

All you have to do is wake up every day and find a way to pay the rent. Everything else is gravy.

12:27 AM  
Blogger roxyfoxy said...

rack um up ! nice blog

7:31 PM  
Anonymous UKMortgage said...

Good blog.

I liked the article writen in the NY press about the neighbour.

JF

3:40 AM  

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